I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
