this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.