Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
