i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
