I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
