So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
