Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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