The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
