I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
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i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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