I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
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I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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