im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize