drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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