Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
