Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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