my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
