dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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