He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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