I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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