your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
