So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
