I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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