ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
