i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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