Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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