I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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