I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
