Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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