highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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