Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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