I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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