Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
