You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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