who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
