You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
