Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
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I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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