We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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