I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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