Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
