You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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