I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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