Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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