someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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