Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
