Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
