look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My ass is underappreciated
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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