I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
