Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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