You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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