I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she pinky promised me she was 18
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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