i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
