my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
