I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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