Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
