She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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