So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
