You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Let's paint friendship bongs
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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