You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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