I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
